The past month seems to have been the hardest of this pregnancy. Nope, it's not the nausea, that's under control. It's not the exhaustion either (even though that does factor into it). It's simply the fact that I didn't plan this, I'm struggling to be a good mom to Sophia, and I just don't think I can do this infant stage again (at least, not right now).
Did you catch the repeating word in that last sentence? Here's a clue, it's used 4 times. I. That one letter, one syllable word that takes all of the focus off of the God who created and sustains me and puts the focus all on my finite self.
Do I think I know better than God? We tried for MONTHS to conceive with Sophia. We PRAYED like we've never prayed before for a miracle. Then it finally happened - that first positive pregnancy test! Oh what a joy to receive a blessing much longed for!
This second time around was different. We weren't trying. We weren't even praying (for conception). A sibling for Sophia wasn't even on my radar, though Brian said it was on his. We were simply surviving. We are still simply surviving. That handbook never made it to us in the mail, so we're flying by the seats of our pants trying to catch the learning curve of parenthood. Where is the joy this time?
Instead, I find myself concentrating on the difficulty of this season of life. Instead of thinking about how much fun Sophia will have entertaining (and being entertained) by this precious gift growing inside, I'm thinking about how I can't get food on the table, the living room cleaned up, or the laundry done. Just before we found out we were expecting, my energy had started to come back, my spirits lifted because I could finally DO something and be successful in my productivity! And then, the positive pregnancy test and morning sickness and exhaustion........and the THOUGHTS of MORE sleepless nights, crying babies I can't soothe, colic, reflux, showerless days and lonely nights. And that's where I've been camping out: in the darkness of the blessing.
So I've been on the search for perspective. God's perspective. Could this second child be an act of mercy toward me? Could God actually be demonstrating His love toward me by giving me a blessing that seems so difficult? Yes. The sleepless nights I've been asking God to remove might be removed sooner because we'll get through this baby season sooner. The crying babies won't cry forever because language acquisition for both will come sooner because we'll get through this season sooner. Sophia, who LOVES other people, might be entertained long enough by baby #2 that I'll be able to clean my baseboards, run the laundry, and unload the dishwasher!
So how do I get through today? How do I get through the teething-scream, boredom-whine, and neediness when all I want to do is collapse? Focus on God. I'm still not entirely sure how that really works itself out. But I want to change this perspective. I want to see things as God sees them - as blessing, mercy, and boundless love.
How do you press on? How do you conquer despite the "difficulty" you think you see? This is one time I really am searching for feedback/advice, but please remember to keep it positive....my heart is pretty weak at this point and I am earnestly seeking your help and encouragement.
For background sake, I spend the first 30 min of my day (sometimes less if Sophia is really wailing), downstairs at the kitchen table reading God's word (I'm in Chronicles/2 Samuel with the chronological year plan) and trying to eat some breakfast. I keep my journal handy. I've got verses on notecards that center on God's love for me, but I don't really get a chance to read through them during the day when Sophia's awake and things seem hardest. Sophia takes one nap a day, which I use to also nap. (One day when my energy returns, I'd love to use this time to be more productive, but for now it's about all I can do to make into the bed midday.)